Tonight I am just spitting out my feelings

I am kinda sad tonight. So rathing than letting my emotions roll around in circles, I thought I'd write them out, hopefully make sense of them, and get them out of my system. Some things have been bothering me lately, and it is just circling around and around in my head so I am going to spit them out. Hopefully I'll manage to accomplish that without feeling like a big jerk.

WARNING: DO NOT CONTINUE IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THE FEELINGS AND ISSUES OF BEING A SINGLE WOMAN. IF YOUR NAME IS CALEB RALPH JOHNSON, YOU WILL LIKELY BECOME RATHER UNCOMFORTABLE. But if you are genuinely interested, and won't hold what I say against me, please, read on!

I am lonely. I mean, it sounds horrible to say, as I am surrounded by people, and my roommate is my best friend, and I as great as that is, I am still lonely. I mean, as much as I hate sounding like some simply, clinging girl, I really would love to have a guy right now. And at the same time, I KNOW how hurt a girl can get because of a guy, and how much trouble they can be, and how they NEVER will be able to say the perfect thing, or do the perfect thing, to make me feel better, because they are human, but I just can't get the picture of a fairy tale romance out of my head. But I also know that I can't let my self esteem, and my happiness, depend on some guy because when they fail (and they will, because they are human), that would wreck me. And I can't make myself that vulnerable, AND I can't put that responsiblitity on a guy, because that is not his place. Theoretically, it all makes sense. Theoretically, I know that my source of self-esteem and confidence has to come from God, and not a human realtionship. But it is so hard for my heart and emotions to learn what my brain already knows.

It seems that wherever I go, I am surrounded by happy couples. You know what? There are no single people in my class. Everyone has a boyfriend (the few guys that there are have girlfriends.) I come home, and I am surrounded by happy couples, where everything is going great for them, and it seems as though life IS a fairytale romance for them. They are constantly enjoying the others presence- always holding hands, standing close to one another, cooking each other meals, encouraging the other, snuggling together. Don't get me wrong, I am SO happy for them. They are so cute together. But it makes me sad that I don't have that too.

So how do I deal with that? This is where I get stupid. I miss that physical touch- so lately I have realized that I am tending to deliberately, just barely, brush some single guys that live around here. Like, if a bunch of us are watching a movie, I'll sit close just to feel a guys leg next to mine. Or if a bunch of us are lounging on a couch, I'll put my foot just close enough to brush that guy's knee. And it is not like I even really really like the guy- I am just using his presence to comfort myself, and make me feel better. And that is what makes me stupid.

I worry that I'll trick myself. I've done it before- I've managed to let my imagination run away with me, and create a situation in my head that wasn't really there. No, I am not a scitz. But I don't want to trick myself, or make a fool of myself again. I hate feeling stupid, and I don't want to make others uncomfortable around me.

Another thing that makes me sad is just the fact that nobody likes me. Well, no. People like me because I'm a nice person. I just mean that nobody like likes me. No one thinks I'm particularly pretty. No one does special things for just me. No one seeks out my presense just because I make them smile. No one notices me just because I am me.

And that make me wonder: What is wrong with me? Am I unlikable? Do I give off vibes that tell guys to just go away? Is it cuz I am not pretty? Is it cuz I am not funny, not witty, not charming, not flirty? Is it because I am too childish? Am I wierd? What is wrong with me?

And then I remind myself that the man that God has picked out for me is out there somewhere. And that when I do meet him and start to date him, then I'll be glad that I haven't dated other guys. I remind myself that I should make the most out of the time when I am single, and become the best person I can be.

Then I question my motives. Do I want to be a successful single so that I can attract a man? Am I trying to be content with my current singleness, knowing that later I'll have a man in my life? What if I never get married? Shouldn't my satisfaction with singleness come from God, not hoping that later I'll start my 'real' life as a couple? Shouldn't my focus be on God?

Thanks for reading. I realized that it was rather personal, but then I realized that it seems to voice how many single women must feel, so I'll post it as a tribute to all of us. Please don't think poorly of me after reading this. I am not desperate, I am not crazy, it is just that sometimes I get lonely. This isn't meant as an advertisement. It is just meant as an expression of what I am feeling, and maybe it'll help another single woman out there too. It is nice to know that we aren't alone in how we feel.

Wow, spitting out feelings does help. I highly recommend it.

Jen's Want's

• Jen wants to spook Hilton
• Jen wants kids now
• Jen wants us to note the financial upside of saving money
• Jen wants to direct
• Jen wants the world
• Jen wants time out
• Jen wants to study abroad
• Jen wants to know what her mother did to make Chris break up with her
• Jen wants to handle as few fish as possible
• Jen wants it sent on a Friday
• Jen wants to do eleven things
• Jen wants to put together a package
• Jen wants the freedom
• Jen wants to get on that 50 most beautiful bloggers list

Jen's needs

So, following the crowd, I googled my name + need and got:

• Jen needs rates on 2 scenerios
• Jen needs a break
• Jen needs your help
• Jen needs to get back to reality
• Jen needs to be a My Little Pony
• Jen needs some help
• Jen needs to stop being so self absorbed
• Jen needs to demonstrate more self control
• Jen needs to be a parent and get off message boards
• Jen needs to let go and get a life
• Jen needs a title
• Jen needs some more time
• Jen needs U2 tickets

OK, so I did more than 10. But I ran into several pages of people doing exactly this. Plus a lot of stuff on Jen Aniston. I'm gonna do another one...

• Jennifer needs a cold shower
• Jennifer needs your help
• Jennifer needs passion knit
• Jennifer needs to be charged for her crime
• Jennifer needs to recognize that both of you do a good job
• Jennifer needs your news
• Jennifer needs a smack daddy
• Jennifer needs space
• Jennifer needs to do five things
• Jennifer needs to grow up and get over it
• Jennifer needs to know your e-mail address
• Jennifer needs the earth energy in her life

Wow, apparently Jennifers are crazier than simple Jens. Hmmm... let's try..

• Thadyne needs.... nothing
• Last name needs well, nothing, but there was, "Lets hope the Lastname are pigheaded enough to ignore."

I keep meaning to do this

You know, I have been meaning to make a post for ages. I had all these fantastic stories, and now that I am taking the time to write, I have discovered that I don't have any funny stories. Isn't that ironic?

Oh well, I shall just make do with what I have. Last night, Rebekah, Bryce, Grant, and I played Settlers, and Rebekah won. Which means Grant lost! And Bryce! Those two never ever lose! Yay Rebekah!

I came in second. Which means I didn't lose.

Today I led a session in the group at my work experience place. Unfortuately, it was a bit short, as I was anticipating more conversation than was actually present. But that was all right, cuz then they did their computer time too, so it all worked out.

Ooh! Super good news! I hadn't realixed that my anthro final exam was scheduled for the exact same time as Saryn's wedding. I mean, who schedules exams for a Saturday? Anyways, I would have had to miss the wedding. But yesterday I asked my teacher if we could work something out, and she was totally OK with it!! So I get to go.

That is what I get for attending college rather than university. :)

Is this why I haven't had a boyfriend?

jk...

You Are 50% Boyish and 50% Girlish
You are pretty evenly split down the middle - a total eunuch.Okay, kidding about the eunuch part. But you do get along with both sexes.You reject traditional gender roles. However, you don't actively fight them.You're just you. You don't try to be what people expect you to be.

I tried to go to school

So yesterday morning I woke up at 6:30 as usual, and got ready to go to school. Since it had snowed A LOT the night before, my friend picked me up way early and we took her boyfriend to work before going to school, so that it would go faster.

We dropped him off in St Albert, and then we turned south to go to school. Normally this drive takes 45 minutes.

An hour later, we had completed a normal distance of 15 minutes of our trip. We were already ridiculously late, and it would take us at least another hour to get there, so...

We gave up, went home, and tried to be productive there.

Winter has arrived in Edmonton! Horray!