I am kinda sad tonight. So rathing than letting my emotions roll around in circles, I thought I'd write them out, hopefully make sense of them, and get them out of my system. Some things have been bothering me lately, and it is just circling around and around in my head so I am going to spit them out. Hopefully I'll manage to accomplish that without feeling like a big jerk.
WARNING: DO NOT CONTINUE IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THE FEELINGS AND ISSUES OF BEING A SINGLE WOMAN. IF YOUR NAME IS CALEB RALPH JOHNSON, YOU WILL LIKELY BECOME RATHER UNCOMFORTABLE. But if you are genuinely interested, and won't hold what I say against me, please, read on!
I am lonely. I mean, it sounds horrible to say, as I am surrounded by people, and my roommate is my best friend, and I as great as that is, I am still lonely. I mean, as much as I hate sounding like some simply, clinging girl, I really would love to have a guy right now. And at the same time, I KNOW how hurt a girl can get because of a guy, and how much trouble they can be, and how they NEVER will be able to say the perfect thing, or do the perfect thing, to make me feel better, because they are human, but I just can't get the picture of a fairy tale romance out of my head. But I also know that I can't let my self esteem, and my happiness, depend on some guy because when they fail (and they will, because they are human), that would wreck me. And I can't make myself that vulnerable, AND I can't put that responsiblitity on a guy, because that is not his place. Theoretically, it all makes sense. Theoretically, I know that my source of self-esteem and confidence has to come from God, and not a human realtionship. But it is so hard for my heart and emotions to learn what my brain already knows.
It seems that wherever I go, I am surrounded by happy couples. You know what? There are no single people in my class. Everyone has a boyfriend (the few guys that there are have girlfriends.) I come home, and I am surrounded by happy couples, where everything is going great for them, and it seems as though life IS a fairytale romance for them. They are constantly enjoying the others presence- always holding hands, standing close to one another, cooking each other meals, encouraging the other, snuggling together. Don't get me wrong, I am SO happy for them. They are so cute together. But it makes me sad that I don't have that too.
So how do I deal with that? This is where I get stupid. I miss that physical touch- so lately I have realized that I am tending to deliberately, just barely, brush some single guys that live around here. Like, if a bunch of us are watching a movie, I'll sit close just to feel a guys leg next to mine. Or if a bunch of us are lounging on a couch, I'll put my foot just close enough to brush that guy's knee. And it is not like I even really really like the guy- I am just using his presence to comfort myself, and make me feel better. And that is what makes me stupid.
I worry that I'll trick myself. I've done it before- I've managed to let my imagination run away with me, and create a situation in my head that wasn't really there. No, I am not a scitz. But I don't want to trick myself, or make a fool of myself again. I hate feeling stupid, and I don't want to make others uncomfortable around me.
Another thing that makes me sad is just the fact that nobody likes me. Well, no. People like me because I'm a nice person. I just mean that nobody like likes me. No one thinks I'm particularly pretty. No one does special things for just me. No one seeks out my presense just because I make them smile. No one notices me just because I am me.
And that make me wonder: What is wrong with me? Am I unlikable? Do I give off vibes that tell guys to just go away? Is it cuz I am not pretty? Is it cuz I am not funny, not witty, not charming, not flirty? Is it because I am too childish? Am I wierd? What is wrong with me?
And then I remind myself that the man that God has picked out for me is out there somewhere. And that when I do meet him and start to date him, then I'll be glad that I haven't dated other guys. I remind myself that I should make the most out of the time when I am single, and become the best person I can be.
Then I question my motives. Do I want to be a successful single so that I can attract a man? Am I trying to be content with my current singleness, knowing that later I'll have a man in my life? What if I never get married? Shouldn't my satisfaction with singleness come from God, not hoping that later I'll start my 'real' life as a couple? Shouldn't my focus be on God?
Thanks for reading. I realized that it was rather personal, but then I realized that it seems to voice how many single women must feel, so I'll post it as a tribute to all of us. Please don't think poorly of me after reading this. I am not desperate, I am not crazy, it is just that sometimes I get lonely. This isn't meant as an advertisement. It is just meant as an expression of what I am feeling, and maybe it'll help another single woman out there too. It is nice to know that we aren't alone in how we feel.
Wow, spitting out feelings does help. I highly recommend it.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 comments:
I know we haven't talked in a long time, but hey, I still check up on you. *waves*
Just had to say that I'm feeling what you were saying here. Caught myself thinking "This is familiar." more than a few times. Last night was a lonely point for me, too, although a little different because I find that I'm still missing a particular person who I logically know isn't coming back. Logic doesn't usually factor into these sorts of things, though. Too bad. It would be wonderful if I could turn off the loneliness and turn off the thoughts of that one in particular.
Still, I know what you mean about not being Liked, so to speak. I have the same problem. It's why I chose a Rogue class in World of Warcraft, dorky as that may be. I have a habit of being largely invisible, especially to the guys. I have no idea how I attracted the one that I actually did, just like I don't know how I lost him. It feels like nothing but pure chance going on. Last night was a lot of wondering if I'm ever going to get that lucky again, because that's what it feels like. Luck. That's it.
Apparently it's not just us, though. My friend A-M made a post on LiveJournal along those same lines. The nice girls who just never seem to be seen by the nice guys. They either attract jerks or no one at all and it's not fair. They're probably the best ones and they get left out in the cold because they're not shockingly beautiful or outgoing in the classic vivacious, witty, flirty senses. They're their own special brand of wonderful that unfortunately goes right under the radar of most guys.
I wish I had something I could say that makes the loneliness easy to handle, but I'm unortunately still looking for that myself. You're not alone, though.
Sheesh. I'm not good at this. Had to say something, though. I understand, at the least. *hugs*
Thanks. And hey, I still check up on you too. Waves!
It comes and goes, I suppose. Today I feel confident and optimistic. Likely later on I won't. Then I'll be congident again. Sigh. Maybe it has something to do with PMS.
My sweet Jen. You are the most amazing girl out there and some day some guy will figure that out! I totally relate to everything you wrote too. In fact, I don't know a female who hasn't felt the same way. Just keep your head up and keep going. It's all we can do!
Hi, came across ur blog 'surfin the net' as they say. I completely understand how u feel... I'm feeling the same way right now tonight about a guy I was in love with only to find out I loved a lie. The right guy is out there for u and u'll find him when ur not looking. Take care Jen
Post a Comment