(I had to add a title, cuz it looked stupid)

I really need a hug right now.

Likable Things and Good Qualities and Neat Quirks About Jen

• the way she tries to see the positive things in all situations- she looks for the silver linings.
• the way she puts those sayings in her language and the way she makes anolagies
• the way she puts other people's concerns before her own
• the way she likes to mentor people younger than herself
• the way she listens to other people's stories, even when she has stuff she wants to talk about
• her interesting sense of humor- somewhat ironic, sarcasic, and quirky
• the way she gets all the dirty jokes before anyone else
• the predictable mannerisms that are amusing
• the way she keeps on trying to be included, even when it ends up in failure and she gets hurt
• the way she can't hold a grudge
• the way she can help people cool down quickly when they are irate
• the way she helps people who are sad feel better and special
• the way she is tolerant of other people's shortcomings
• the way she tries to make other people feel included
• the way she can look hot without even bothering with makeup and jewellery
• the way she doesn't care when she doesn't look hot
• the way she can look hot while being modest
• the way she tries to not be a bother
• the way she attempts to not humiliaate herself, and yet at the same time doesn't mind making a fool of herself
• the way she can give good advice, even when it goes against what she would privately like
• the way she loves babies and kids and animals
• the way she is careful about the amount of physical attention happens with her
• the way she endeavors to use correct grammar on msn
• the way she is fast to volunteer to do things for others
• the way she sucks at sports
• the way she loves playgrounds
• the way she rarely gets mad
• the way she has 'jenisms'- toodles, thingamajiggerbob, ginormous...

Sometimes, I can be lame...

The most exciting thing in my life lately has been a Friends marathon and a Spider Solitaire tournament.

By myself.

Tonight I am just spitting out my feelings

I am kinda sad tonight. So rathing than letting my emotions roll around in circles, I thought I'd write them out, hopefully make sense of them, and get them out of my system. Some things have been bothering me lately, and it is just circling around and around in my head so I am going to spit them out. Hopefully I'll manage to accomplish that without feeling like a big jerk.

WARNING: DO NOT CONTINUE IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THE FEELINGS AND ISSUES OF BEING A SINGLE WOMAN. IF YOUR NAME IS CALEB RALPH JOHNSON, YOU WILL LIKELY BECOME RATHER UNCOMFORTABLE. But if you are genuinely interested, and won't hold what I say against me, please, read on!

I am lonely. I mean, it sounds horrible to say, as I am surrounded by people, and my roommate is my best friend, and I as great as that is, I am still lonely. I mean, as much as I hate sounding like some simply, clinging girl, I really would love to have a guy right now. And at the same time, I KNOW how hurt a girl can get because of a guy, and how much trouble they can be, and how they NEVER will be able to say the perfect thing, or do the perfect thing, to make me feel better, because they are human, but I just can't get the picture of a fairy tale romance out of my head. But I also know that I can't let my self esteem, and my happiness, depend on some guy because when they fail (and they will, because they are human), that would wreck me. And I can't make myself that vulnerable, AND I can't put that responsiblitity on a guy, because that is not his place. Theoretically, it all makes sense. Theoretically, I know that my source of self-esteem and confidence has to come from God, and not a human realtionship. But it is so hard for my heart and emotions to learn what my brain already knows.

It seems that wherever I go, I am surrounded by happy couples. You know what? There are no single people in my class. Everyone has a boyfriend (the few guys that there are have girlfriends.) I come home, and I am surrounded by happy couples, where everything is going great for them, and it seems as though life IS a fairytale romance for them. They are constantly enjoying the others presence- always holding hands, standing close to one another, cooking each other meals, encouraging the other, snuggling together. Don't get me wrong, I am SO happy for them. They are so cute together. But it makes me sad that I don't have that too.

So how do I deal with that? This is where I get stupid. I miss that physical touch- so lately I have realized that I am tending to deliberately, just barely, brush some single guys that live around here. Like, if a bunch of us are watching a movie, I'll sit close just to feel a guys leg next to mine. Or if a bunch of us are lounging on a couch, I'll put my foot just close enough to brush that guy's knee. And it is not like I even really really like the guy- I am just using his presence to comfort myself, and make me feel better. And that is what makes me stupid.

I worry that I'll trick myself. I've done it before- I've managed to let my imagination run away with me, and create a situation in my head that wasn't really there. No, I am not a scitz. But I don't want to trick myself, or make a fool of myself again. I hate feeling stupid, and I don't want to make others uncomfortable around me.

Another thing that makes me sad is just the fact that nobody likes me. Well, no. People like me because I'm a nice person. I just mean that nobody like likes me. No one thinks I'm particularly pretty. No one does special things for just me. No one seeks out my presense just because I make them smile. No one notices me just because I am me.

And that make me wonder: What is wrong with me? Am I unlikable? Do I give off vibes that tell guys to just go away? Is it cuz I am not pretty? Is it cuz I am not funny, not witty, not charming, not flirty? Is it because I am too childish? Am I wierd? What is wrong with me?

And then I remind myself that the man that God has picked out for me is out there somewhere. And that when I do meet him and start to date him, then I'll be glad that I haven't dated other guys. I remind myself that I should make the most out of the time when I am single, and become the best person I can be.

Then I question my motives. Do I want to be a successful single so that I can attract a man? Am I trying to be content with my current singleness, knowing that later I'll have a man in my life? What if I never get married? Shouldn't my satisfaction with singleness come from God, not hoping that later I'll start my 'real' life as a couple? Shouldn't my focus be on God?

Thanks for reading. I realized that it was rather personal, but then I realized that it seems to voice how many single women must feel, so I'll post it as a tribute to all of us. Please don't think poorly of me after reading this. I am not desperate, I am not crazy, it is just that sometimes I get lonely. This isn't meant as an advertisement. It is just meant as an expression of what I am feeling, and maybe it'll help another single woman out there too. It is nice to know that we aren't alone in how we feel.

Wow, spitting out feelings does help. I highly recommend it.

Valentines Day

Well, I had a rather interesting Valentine's Day. Last night, Rebekah and I were sitting at home watching American Idol when Grant and Peter Hill came over and asked us if we wanted to go out for some dessert for Valentine's Day. It was pretty fun, we went to this cute little restraunt called Cafe Select, and the atmosphere was so incredibly romantic.. they had no overhead lights, just candles, and flowers at all the tables. It was chalk full of couples, straight or otherwise, and I think they were a little wierded out when we asked for 4. Oh well, it would have been wierder to ask for three. Actually, that would have been super funny.

The we went out and drove around Glenora, where all the ritzy houses are overlooking the river and admired them for a while.

So all in all it was rather fun. Who needs a boyfriend on Valentine's Day when you have friends to hang out with?

Actually, I don't believe that myself. But it was worth a try.

Oooh, and I got my invite to Saryn and Dan's wedding yesterday. Yay!

Back to homework.

A Recluse

A have come to the conclusion I am turning into a social recluse.

"Why?" you ask.

Well, I haven't called anyone just to chat in so long that it is unbelievable. Since, like, before camp. I've thought about calling, or dropping in, on people, but I just usually go "Meh. I don't feel like it." So I don't.

I feel perfectly fine. I'm not upset or melancholy at all. I'm just a recluse.

It really is entirely odd....

My Day Sucked

My day sucked. I'd like to rant, but most of it is of a confidential and/or personal nature. So... My day sucked. Need I say more?